Conversation Under a Stairwell
by YYHfan-KB
Summary: Sherlock and John are trapped in a closet under a staircase, let's just say things are a bit cramped. Conversation only, humorous fic. Warning: you may laugh. Completed with an epilogue.
1. Insults, Adjustments, & Petty Arguments

**Conversation Under a Stairwell**

* * *

"Sherlock?"

"Yes John?"

"Why did you have to go and insult that guy?"

"He started it."

"He was with the Russian mob you idiot, now we're stuck under a staircase in an abandoned old house and its pitch black in here."

"I didn't know he was going to react so violently!"

"You told the man his mother had never loved him and then proceded to announce to all his goons that he liked little kittens and men!"

"I don't see what the fuss is all about, why should he care?"

"I give up…"

"…."

"Oh brother…"

"John?"

"Yes?"

"Did you turn the stove off?"

"You were the one over there, I thought you had."

"Oh, well, I didn't."

"Great, just great."

"Mrs. Hudson will turn it off when she goes upstairs to check on things."

"Umm, Mrs. Hudson went to her sister's yesterday Sherlock, she isn't due back until tomorrow."

"Lets hope nothing burns too badly."

"…."

"…."

*THWACK*

"Owww…"

"Watch your head John, the stairs are rather close."

"Oh shut it."

"…."

"…."

"Say John, do you mind moving your knee?"

"Only if you move your hand."

"I don't have any where else to put it."

"Neither do I."

"Are you sure you couldn't put it else where? While I do enjoy a good chiropractic adjustment once in a while a knee in the back for an overly prolonged period of time is not comfortable."

"Well I'm sorry, but considering this space is only about a foot and half deep and two feet long, there really isn't much room in here for seating. I'll try but I don't promise anything."

-shuffling commences-

"Better?"

"Slightly, if you consider that now I'm pretty much sitting on you."

"Thank goodness you're as skinny as you are."

"True."

"…."

"…."

"How long do you reckon before someone notices we're missing this time Sherlock?"

"Three or four hours depending on how long we've actually been in here, I was supposed to meet Molly at the lab to get some new body parts."

"You think she'll notice if you don't show?"

"I would hope so; otherwise we'll be here for the night."

"Great, just what I wanted to do tonight, sit under an old stair case with my flat mate in my lap and all his bony bones pressing into me."

"I'm not that bony."

"Yes you are, you need to eat more."

"Digestion slows me down. You know this."

"Whatever. You're still a bony devil."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am, oh whatever, you won't let this go no matter how long I argue."

"Exactly."

"…."

"…."

* * *

**A/N:** So this is kind of a spin off from my other Conversation fic, I'm thinking of doing a series of them, various situations and settings of course. I'd appreciate any ideas for conversations, settings, who's in the room/space together etc.

So, leave me a review letting me know what you think,

^_^ KB


	2. Repositioning, Low Ceilings, & Mycroft

"*ACHOO*"

"Bless you."

"Thanks, you all right Sherlock?"

"Yeah, you?"

"My legs have gone to sleep, they're tired of being folded up like this."

"I'd move but there's really no where for me to go."

"I know, thats why I'm not going to insist on you moving."

"..."

"..."

"Where did you hide my cigarettes?"

"..."

"John, please just tell me."

"I'm not going to tell you."

"Why not?"

"You agreed to go cold turkey."

"..."

"Sherlock?"

"What?"

"Can you shift over just a little?"

"There isn't an 'over' to shift to."

"Are you sure?"

"Quite."

"Buggar, I really need to stretch my legs."

"I can try lifting up with my hands and feet for a couple of seconds, maybe I could sit in-between your legs."

"Worth a try."

-shuffling of hands commences-

*THUNK*

"Oof..."

"Argh..."

"Sherlock, you alright?"

"Argh... I hit my head..."

"I heard it hit, now could you kindly remove the elbow from my thigh?"

"Give me a second."

"Do watch your head Sherlock dear, the ceiling is ridiculously low in this establishment."

"Zip it."

"..."

"..."

"I just realized something,"

"What?"

"There weren't any CCTV cameras in the area."

"So? Brother Mycroft probably keeps an eye on our phones' gps systems. He'll find us using those."

"In case you've forgotten Sherlock, my phone is at the bottom of the Thames and yours is sitting on the coffee table."

"Oh yeah..."

"..."

"Well, we have an eighty-four percent chance of being found within the next fourty-eight hours."

"I thought you said we had a ninety-nine percent chance of being found within twenty-four hours!"

"That was before you pointed out that neither of us have or had phones at any point during the past seven hours."

"Which means Mycroft can't track us."

"Exactly."

"Buggar."

"John?"

"Yes?"

"Do you have your gun?"

"The goons took it off me remember?"

"I was hoping they hadn't."

"..."

"..."

"I'm bored."

"You're kidding me."

"No. I'm bored."

"Take a nap."

"I'm not tired."

"Go to your mind palace then, I can't entertain you."

"Fine, I will."

"..."


	3. Boredom, Skulls, & Clowns For Friends

"Sherlock?"

"..."

"Hey, Sherlock."

"..."

"I smell smoke."

"..."

"There's a herd of camels heading our way."

"..."

"Anderson just proclaimed his undying love for us."

"..."

"You can't even hear me can you Sherlock?"

"..."

"I'm officially bored."

*sigh*

"..."

"..."

*Thwack*

"OW!"

"You awake now?"

"What was that for John?"

"I need you to get off my legs, I can feel the loss of circulation and its getting painful."

"You didn't have to hit me."

"You weren't responding."

*rumble*

"What in the world was that John?"

"My stomach."

"That was really loud."

"I'm hungry Sherlock, remember I'm only human and its been a while since my last meal now GET off my legs!"

"Okay, okay. Give me a second to find someplace to put my hands."

-shuffling of hands commences-

"Better?"

"Oh, so much better."

"Move your legs so they're around my waist if you want, then I can sit inbetween them and we'll be comfortable."

"Why didn't we do this earlier?"

"We tried but were distracted by the realization that my dear brother can't track us right now."

"..."

"..."

"I miss my skull."

"What?"

"Didn't you notice Mrs. Hudson hid my skull?"

"Oh, I hadn't actually."

"How unobservant of you."

"I've been busy Sherlock, I haven't really been in the flat much lately. I've been working at the clinic and running after you for the past few days."

"Yes but surely you noticed the skull was gone."

"No, between working for nearly nine hours at the clinic and then getting a text from you telling me to come to the Millennium Bridge immediately I haven't been home in over twelve hours."

"..."

*Rumble*

"Geez John, does you stomach have to be that loud?"

"I can't help it Sherlock, I need to eat."

"Well that could be a bit difficult considering the circumstances."

"..."

"..."

"John what time is it?"

"How should I know, you destroyed my last watch in the teapot."

"I was unaware that it would dissolve completely like that."

"And you couldn't have used one of your own?"

"Of course not, mine all have metallic wristbands, yours was the only one in the flat with a leather strap."

"Sherlock."

"Yes John?"

"Next time you will buy your own watch instead of destroying mine, got it?"

"Yours was handier than going to the store."

"It doesn't matter, if you destroy my next watch there will be dire consequences."

"Such as?"

"I'll tell Lestraude and Mycroft all about what happened in Norbury."

"...you wouldn't..."

"I would."

"..."

"..."

"Have you ever been to the circus Sherlock?"

"Yes, why?"

"I was just wondering, what's your favorite act?"

"I don't have one, the clowns always fascinated me though."

"Oh?"

"The fact that they would wililng wear a painted on smile while doing such ridiculous things intrigued me. Never trust a clown John, they are very decieveing."

"I had a friend who was a circus clown."

"Oh? Was he trustworthy?"

"He was the best friend I had before the army."

"You've never mentioned him before now."

"He died while I was in the service."

"Oh..."

"He was in a car accident."

"..."

"Have you ever had a best friend Sherlock?"

"Yes."

"Who?"

"You."

"..."

"I'm serious."

"You've never had a best friend before me?"

"No, you're the only person who didn't end up hating me after a few weeks."

"Hmm."

"Even when I was little I stuck out as the freak."

"You aren't a freak Sherlock, just a misunderstood genius."

"..."

"..."

"Thank you John."

"Of course Sherlock."


	4. Music, Past, & Something Big On My Foot

**A/N: **Part of this chapter gets a bit darker than the rest. Be forewarned folks, mentions abuse but only briefly before we move on to happier topics.

* * *

"So, have you got a favorite classical music piece Sherlock?"

"Why are you asking me something so meaningless?"

"To pass the time."

"Ah. Well, I've always liked Don Giovanni. What about you John, any favorite pieces?"

"I enjoy The Four Season's and Requiem."

"Hmm..."

"..."

"..."

"John?"

"Yes Sherlock?"

"Why do you wear those jumpers constantly? I've never seen you without long sleeves on."

"Well there's two reasons, first off I like jumpers because they keep me warm, and two I don't really want everyone staring at me."

"Why would everyone stare at you?"

"..."

"John?"

"Let's just say I have more scars than most people."

"Scars? From what?"

"Various things."

"Like?"

"My childhood wasn't exactly a happy one, and life in the army is a bit rough."

"..."

"..."

"John, when you say your childhood wasn't a happy one do you mean..."

"My father was an angry drunk, figure it out for yourself."

"Is he still alive?"

"I don't know, he left when I was seventeen."

"Is that why Harry drinks so much?"

"Probably, she started drinking not too long before he left and has used it as a coping mechanism for ages."

"What about your mother?"

"Died when I was ten."

"Oh..."

"What was your childhood like?"

"Boring. Mycroft wasn't around much and Mummy just didn't quite understand me, my father died when I was five."

"I'm sorry."

"It's alright, I barely knew him. He was always away on business and one day his plane crashed in the ocean and he died."

"..."

"..."

"Do you ever wish the bullet hadn't hit you?"

"Huh? No, actually as sappy as this is going to sound I'm grateful that it hit me, otherwise I never would have met you."

"..."

"Although some days I wonder why I stuck around."

"Oh?"

"There's been a few days when you've almost driven me out."

"..."

"But I don't think I'm going anywhere for a while."

"Good. I like having you around."

"..."

"..."

"Have you ever grabbed a starfish leg?"

"What? No Sherlock I haven't, why?"

"Just curious, I did once and it was quite...suprising."

"Oh?"

"It was, shall we say, prickly."

"Really? I would have thought it would be slimey."

"No, the one I grabbed was prickly, I believe it was a brittle starfish."

"And you didn't delete the experience?"

"No I didn't, I chose to keep that memory because it acts as a reminder to look before reaching into a tank."

"I see."

"..."

"..."

"Sherlock, something just ran across my leg."

"Probably just a spider, or a cockroach if it were a spider we could be in trouble. Brown recluses are notorious for hiding in dark places as are Black Widows."

"That's reassuring."

"Chances are its just a cockroach."

"..."

"It could have been a spider, how much pressure was there as it went-"

"Sherlock?"

"There is something on my leg..."

"Does it feel like a spider?"

"John, what's the best way of killing something on your leg?"

"Uh, I'd swat it aside then stomp on it with my shoe if I could see it."

"And since I can't see it?"

"Smashing it could be a bad move, you could try taking off a shoe and hitting it that way-"

*THWACK*

"Did you get it?"

"I believe so."

"Good."

"John?"

"Yes?"

"I'm tired of sitting here."

"Me too Sherlock, me too."

* * *

**A/N: **Kudos to anyone who caught the ACD reference in my last chapter and I will be wrapping things up in the next chapter. Let me know what you thought.

^_^ KB


	5. College, Awkwardness, & Finally Freed

"Sherlock?"

"Yeah?"

"Where did you go to college?"

"Oxford."

"What was it like?"

"The courses were semi interesting, the people were idiots."

"Aren't they always?"

"Mhmm."

"Did you ever go to any parties?"

"Once, and it was the worst mistake ever. It seemed like every woman there threw herself at me the instant I walked in and a couple of guys did too."

"Ah, well thats no small wonder."

"What makes you say that?"

"I'm not gay but even to me you look fantastic Sherlock."

"..."

"What? You are clearly a physically attractive man even though you don't care for that sort of thing."

"After that party my first year I didn't bother going to any others."

"I see."

"What was your college experience like John?"

"I took my studies very seriously."

"No wild parties for you?"

"I was more of the nightclub kind of guy I didn't care for the parties held in the dorms and frat houses."

"You went to nightclubs?"

"Yeah."

"Really? I never would have guessed that about you."

"Not many people would, and I didn't always go to the normal ones either."

"Oh?"

"I experiemented a bit then."

"Do you still?"

"..."

"John?"

"..."

"I'll take that as a yes then."

"Oh shut up..."

"You walked into that one yourself."

"..."

"So, how often do you visit those nightclubs?"

"I don't anymore Sherlock, those are for college aged kids, not men my age."

"True, but there are a few around that cater to people more your age."

"Alright, this conversation just got even weirder than it had been."

"How so?"

"We're discussing gay nightclubs in a small, dark closet Sherlock, doesn't that strike you as just a bit weird?"

"No."

"..."

"John?"

"Yes Sherlock?"

"Never mind, it was a bad idea."

"Okay then..."

"..."

"..."

"I've never cared for dogs."

"Huh?"

"Dogs, you know, four-legged slobbery creatures."

"Yes Sherlock, I know what dogs are."

"If anything I believe I am more of a cat person, they are considerably more independent and less likely to be annoying and underfoot."

"..."

"John?"

"Sorry, just trying to picture you with a cat."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing Sherlock...nothing at all."

"..."

"..."

"Sherlock?"

"Yes?"

"My legs have gone to sleep again."

"I could rub them for you if you think that would help."

"...that's ok Sherlock..."

"Are you sure? It's not like I have anything else to do."

"..."

"Studies have shown that rubbing an area that's asleep helps regain circulation faster."

"It's ok, I'll be fine."

"If you're sure."

"..."

"..."

*Thump*

"Did you hear that?"

"Yes John, I heard it."

"Think someone is here?"

"I hope so, shall we yell?"

"Yep,"

"HELP! IN HERE! WE"RE UNDER THE STAIRS!"

-running footsteps and panicked voices are heard-

"Dude, did you hear that?"

"WE'RE IN HERE!"

*BAM-BAM-BAM*

-the door crashes open and a flashlight beam hits John and Sherlock in the eyes-

"ARgh, get that out of my eyes!"

"DUDE! It's a couple of guys!"

-a group college kids stand around the opening and watch as John and Sherlock stiffly crawl out of the closet-

"Thanks, we appreciate you're guys help, I was beginning to think I'd be stuck in there with him forever."

"It wouldn't have been forever John, Mycroft would have found us eventually."

"Yeah, by the time we were dead he would have found us."

"I'm sure my brother would have found us faster than that John, shall we head on over to Angelo's for dinner?"

"Yeah, why not, although we should probably swing by the Yard and give Lestraude our statements."

"True."

-John and Sherlock exit shoulder to shoulder leaving the college kids standing there wondering what in the world was going on-

"I really need a restroom."

"Me too."

* * *

**A/N:** Well, there it is, the last chapter of Conversation Under a Stairwell. I hope you enjoyed it, and I really hope you laughed or giggled at least once during it. If you have any ideas for a conversation fic let me know, I'm always open to any suggestions you folks have.

^_^ KB

p.s. Should I do an epilogue?


	6. Epilogue, Lestraude, & A Toast

**A/N:** This chapter is in regular format, not dialogue only.

* * *

Greg Lestraude was finishing up his evening paperwork when Sherlock and John practically burst into his office. His suprise at seeing them doubled when he noticed how wrinkled and dirty their clothing was. He could see a few darkening bruises on them here and there and what appeared to be a purplish bump the size of a small rock on Sherlock's forehead.

"What happened to you two?" He motioned for them to sit but neither seemed inclined to do so remaining standing.

"Sherlock decided to insult a high-ranking Russian mobster." John half-heartedly glared at his lanky companion who shrugged and said,

"I wasn't expecting him to lock us up under a stairwell John."

Greg ran a hand over his face in disbelief, these two got into some ridiculous scrapes, "Why didn't you call for help?"

"Sherlock left his phone at home on the coffee table and when I was going to meet him I got hit by a bicyclist and dropped my phone into the Thames."

"Are you both ok?" Greg could have slapped himself, clearly they weren't alright, they looked battered.

"We'll be fine after we get home and shower and maybe get some decent rest." John just gave him a tired grin, "We only spent nine or so hours in the closet."

Greg felt his eyes widen slightly, "How small was it?"

"Roughly two feet long and one foot wide." Sherlock leaned against the chair looking like a very dirty vulture.

"Holy..." Greg let out a low whistle, "I would have gone mad, I'm suprised you guys didn't."

"You think a little time locked in a closet together could drive either of us mad?" John raised an eyebrow and Greg just laughed.

"Good point, you're both looney already."

"Hey, watch it." John growled as he stretched the kinks out of his back.

"Well it's true." Greg ducked as John swung a playful fist towards him.

Sherlock tapped John on the shoulder, "Still want to go to Angelo's?"

"At eleven thirty at night? He's probably not open Sherlock."

"It's a Saturday, he'll be open until midnight."

"You think anyone is going to let you into a restaruant looking like that?" Greg snorted slightly.

The pair exchanged small grins and said simultaneously, "Angelo won't care."

Greg shook his head, "Whatever, get out of here you two. I want you guys in here tomorrow for statements though alright?"

"We were going to give you our statements tonight, that's why we stopped by."

"I'm too tired to take it tonight and I can hear your guys' stomachs from here."

John looked down at his stomach sheepishly as it let out another low growl, "I am a bit hungry."

Sherlock raised an eyebrow, "Just a bit?"

"Ok, how about a lot hungry." John grinned.

"Let's get out of here, see you in the morning Lestraude." With a wave Sherlock swept out of the room with John in tow leaving Greg once again to his paperwork.

(_) (_)

Angelo just waved them inside with a smile when he saw them pause at the threshold hurrying over he took in their ragged appearances and tired but relieved faces.

"Sherlock, John, how good it is to see you two!" He guided them to their favorite booth and looked from one to another before asking, "Would you like the usual or something different this evening?"

"We'll both take a dish of your fantastic lasagna and an extra side of bread sticks please." Sherlock ordered quickly for both of them without even looking at the menu's on the table.

"Of course Sherlock, anything for you my friend." Angelo bustled off to the kitchen to oversee preparation of their food.

John looked at his friend, "It seems he forgot the candle this time." Sherlock just grinned and pointed at Angelo who was hurrying back with a thick white candle.

"I almost forgot, here you boys go." With one last smile Angelo left to go make sure everything went smoothly in the kitchen.

John shook his head, "And here I thought he had forgotten, oh well."

"What, you don't want a nice romantic dinner?" Sherlock narrrowly dodged the balled up napkin that flew his way and retaliated with a napkin ball of his own which bopped John on the nose.

"Let's call this a celebratory dinner, for the fact that we both finally got out of that stupid closet." John raised his glass in a mock toast and smiled as Sherlock followed suit.

"To getting out of the closet."

* * *

**A/N: **And there you go folks, Conversation Under a Stairwell is officially over. Thanks for reading, reviewing and favoriting this story all those things make my day.

^_^ KB


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